“For how long do we have to sit here and wait till these sluggish waiters decide to serve us? I would have ordered a whole cow instead. That would be ready by now!” I shout, impatiently looking at my silver vintage wrist watch; second after second.Out of embarrassment, I can already see Halima trying to hide her face under her hideous sunglasses which she has made a fashion statement given that she carries them everywhere and always has them on as if running or hiding away from an ex-husband she robbed off of his entire wealth.
“Relax woman! You’re rather too cranky this morning. Did you wake up and realize you no longer own a vagina?” asks Halima. Putting aside her sunglasses and giving me a blank stare like she really meant what she said.Take a moment and consider that I could have as well just woken up and found out I could no longer get intimate. This is not funny at all. I hope we both agree on that but either way, I couldn’t help but smile a little given that what i was about to tell her wasn’t that far from her words. Okay! Maybe slightly.
“Halima! Am done! Am over and done with bad sex. I will not and cannot continue to invest my time on bad sex. I refuse! You don’t think that I’m cursed, do you?” I ask before some awkward silence takes over. Still blankly looking at me, she bursts into laughter.
‘Stop it! Usicheke kwa matanga ya mwenzio…unajua utakuja tu kwangu. Si we both know that when it rains, it just doesn’t fall on one man’s land. Your days of constant great sex are numbered.” I say bitterly but Halima seems not to be able to contain her laughter.
“I do agree with you. You sure must be cursed. In fact…” she says, almost as if running out of breath and at the same time struggling to compose herself.
Swiftly, I forcefully interrupt her to avoid endless sarcastic jokes about my messed up life.
“So the other day I finally went out with the guy you fully participated in hooking me up with..you remember him; no introduction needed.” I say quickly catching Halima’s full attention.
“It was a wreck. I mean WRECK! Yes, in capital.” I say very bitterly as Halima smiles along, very much anxious about what I was going to say next.
“Okay, I wont be biased and omit the part where he took me for some fancy dinner with lots of wine…he made sure to keep them coming but the heavy weight that i am only seemed to bother him when i got to the third bottle; still very attentive and well-mannered. I must confess though that it’s all that kept me calm for the three hours. Yes three, filled with nothing but stories of him and his mum together with the sisters and sisters in law and grandmother and cousin and nephew. I could go on. Meanwhile, i was just there…listening, picking my food and sipping my red wine slowly as my alter-ego pat me gently on the back consoling my ego to keep calm and drink on…after all,it was free wine and free food. Not bad for a night out.” At this moment…my mouth can’t keep shut. The frustrations of the date night with Mr.Anonymous are slowly building up.
“But you do understand how much of an incurable optimist I am. With all this going on…some part of my mind kept on saying, ‘Girl, don’t be all negative about this guy…He is handsome, looks and smells like what you’d love to wake up to and definitely can’t be bad in bed . I can use him as a dummy to floss around…i mean, if he doesn’t open his mouth and start a conversation with my people’ I think to myself coz i know way too well just how much of a savage my circle gets when it comes to holding conversations.” Halima now can’t stop laughing. Of course these misery stories spice up her days and I always find myself going back for more conversations. Let’s accept one thing… when it comes to deep emotional conversations, she is just the best, considering how open-minded she is.
“Now let’s get to the part where I got drunk enough to tell him to quit yapping and take me to his place. The stories were beginning to get a little bit too annoying now but I was willing to take the ‘relationship’ to the next stage. Okay! more like give it a try…it couldn’t get worse. My night with the so-called ‘Mr.Right’ for the night couldn’t just be made of his endless stories and fake laughs. Even his jeans seemed to be on my side as well. Showing me all sorts of nature’s gifts.” Now the conversation was heating up and just before i could continue, a waitress came along with our order. Finally! I needed some liquid to wet my ‘beak’; the story had just began.
“Ningekuwa nimeenda home hadi nikaoga na kujitengenezea kahawa…hii yenyu ilikuwa inatoka industry?” disappointed at the joint just as much as I was earlier, Halima sarcastically asks the waitress, who was already walking away from our table after service. She sips on some coffee from her mug, preparing to hear more of my tragedy. I am not even bothered anymore by the services offered by the coffee-house. I take a sip too from my mug and sit back waiting for it to cool down a little bit.
“So let’s get back to your hilarious horror story. From the looks of how you explain it…that just seems like what it was…a horror movie, only with you being the starring.” Halima mocks me but still giving a listening ear. She wants to hear more.
“It only gets worse! We are already at his place..he is a neat guy. ‘That’s a tick, in my imaginary list.’ I make this conclusion in my head after a quick inspection of his sitting room which is dominated by the colour black and brown, from the sofa sets, carpet to the artistic pictures well framed and hanged against the walls. The interior of his house however is the least of my interests, it was about to go down. I was getting lucky after a long time. Without notice, he makes an attempt to kiss me. I can’t say it was the best kiss of my life. He was all over my face…smearing his saliva all over making sounds I thought to myself very unneccessary given how bad of a kisser he proved the moment we locked lips. I stand there in shock, wondering what was so intimate about the saliva smearing competition that made him get aroused that quick but before i could come to terms with how unlucky my supposed ‘lucky night’ was going down, he threw me into the sofa, undressing his pants as he kept on asking, in what I think he thought sounded very sexy,’Do you want this mama! Let’s give you some sugar…a taste of my sugarcane! Come to daddy!’ It just didn’t sound right. I was already thinking of an exit plan and regretting my decisions. Listening to his stories now seemed not so disturbing after all.”
“Why didn’t you just close your eyes and imagine the numerous pornographic videos you have watched. I bet that would help me if at all I was in that position.” bursts out Halima.
“You shut up and let me finish! Hii kimbelembele yako…si ungekuja threesome basi.” I shut her up with that line. Tongue tied and shocked by my comeback, she gives out an ugly loud laugh attracting attention from the customers in the coffee-house. All eyes are on us.
TO BE CONTINUED…